Usually on this blog I am not one to delve into politics or anything close to partisan discussion of that nature. It is a minefield which I do not dare wish to have my feet blown off in. I also don't participate in the "Hot Takes" of the day, because I believe I've moved above that segment of the sports-loving populous. I also don't comment on the old sports-writer bashing soccer, because everyone's done that before and I can add almost nothing new to it. But today, I'm throwing all of those things out the window because Ann Coulter (yes that Ann Coulter), decided that she would write about soccer today. And since I'm also not above aping other people's fantastic work (thanks Matt Yoder and Awful Announcing), I've decided that I couldn't resist so it's time to see what the amazing political and social theorist Ann Coulter thinks of the beautiful game...
I'm going to need an acid bath after this...
She begins, "I've held off writing about soccer for a decade... or about the length of an average game... so as not to offend anybody." Miss Coulter, you make a living by offending people, so talking about soccer is probably tame in comparison. "Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nations moral decay", she continues... Well guys, it has been a fun run but I'm afraid I've been found out... I'm a part of moral decay in America! I didn't think after spending nearly 21 years on this earth leading what I thought was a clean and healthy life that I'd find myself as part of the degradation of American society but... those columns invoking Rich Kotite finally did me in.
We've barely scratched the surface here though. After saying that there is no individual achievement in soccer (failing to mention a few folks, namely Lionel Messi, Neymar, Ronaldo, Zlatan (!!!!)), she then says "Everyone runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. Then we're supposed to go wild. I'm already asleep." Well that's not so bad... it means Ann Coulter will be quiet and miss the "accidents" that are some of the amazing goals in history... I'm sure Marco Van Basten and Pele are weeping at the sight of Ann Coulter asleep at the wheel.
More from the "stale" pile: "No 'sport' ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer... If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Brazil/Argentina instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored". First... didn't know you were such a fan of the shootout Ann. Gary Bettman would like to see you in his office now. Second, while some soccer games are boring and some are sleep inducingly bad I will admit, you picked one of the most exciting rivalries in world football to describe that with... instead of possibly, West Ham vs. Stoke on a rainy Tuesday night perhaps...
But, if you can even imagine, it gets better: "The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare." Soccer doesn't have personal humiliation or major injury? Tell that then to Luis Suarez, Wayne Rooney, Mario Balotelli... or even if we dare invoke major injuries like the ones Aaron Ramsey, Stuart Holden, David Busst, or others who have seen their careers derailed by serious injuries like SNAPPED KNEES among other things have suffered. About personal humiliation though... how do you think John Terry felt on that night in Moscow? Or Roberto Baggio on that afternoon in the Rose Bowl? Or the many others who I have spared for I have a conscience willing to do such a thing, which apparently Ann Coulter doesn't possess because she wants to see her athletes have mental breakdowns on the field of play for her amusement?
"You can't use your hands in soccer. What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs." Unfortunately, I cannot call Ann Coulter a lesser beast since she does have opposable thumbs, although about the soul thing, this next quote should explain a good deal.
"After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box." Yes, Ann Coulter does in fact want to see your 7 year old son taken off the field on a stretcher after he just suffered his 3rd concussion, because football is a "real sport" with the threat of injury... and permanent brain damage (I'm not commenting on this any further... temptation is hard to resist). She's also loves hockey fights... even more of a reason to outlaw it entirely from every level of the sport, and I'm not one to want to ban it!
"It's foreign" she says next. "One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not 'catching on' at all is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact the French like it." Hmm... I do seem to remember viewing tweets from African-American athletes across the many different sports tweeting their support for the US Men's National Team recently, and I bet they are very impressed that the French like the sport because they're pretty dang good at it... and I'd be impressed too watching Paul Pogba play (although the Le-Pen family probably agrees with you Ann, but those are not people you want to associate with).
After devolving into a rant about liberals and the metric system (no you haven't dropped acid, you're still here), she ends with a true kicker, one that should sear right into the heart of every full-blooded patriot in this land:
"If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Ted Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time".
HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT IAN DARKE. HE IS MORE OF A PATRIOT THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. AND HIS GRASP OF ENGLISH IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THAT OF EVEN THE LEAD SCRIBE OF THE OXFORD DICTIONARY.
Oh, and one of my great-grandfathers was born in this country, and I'm watching soccer. Whoops. I know my last name might be German, but it's true. Sorry Ann. And I have just typed out a long response in the English vernacular to your own column saying I don't know English Ann... maybe I should go back to school to remedy that problem... I knew the SAT was good for something...
I won't link you to the column here, since I've already given her enough publicity; more than she even merits in fact. I try my very hardest to ignore these things for you dear readers, because you (should) expect more of me than that. But this was just too hard to resist, and I should have known better. One would think someone like Ann would be into the noxious patriotism a World Cup can bring but apparently not...
At any rate, remember that if you like soccer, Ann Coulter thinks you don't know English, you don't know "true sports", and you lack the ability to understand true humiliation or suffering that they can provide.
You know... just like reading one of her columns, or writing a response to one. On that front Ann, maybe you're right.
(Downs a gallon of bleach)