Monday, May 6, 2013

Did You See That: Other Failed Sports Petitions to the White House

Since ESPN can't go 5 seconds without mentioning their favorite mediocre backup quarterback Tim Tebow, they talked about a petition created by (morons) Tebow fans to bring him to his hometown Jacksonville Jaguars, which garnered around 250 signatures before being taken off the White House Petitions page for violating terms of service. What you don't know, is that the White House has received many more petitions relating to sports and things the president of this great land should intervene in. They've been removed from the page, but I've unearthed them for your own viewing pleasure.

- Some Jets fans wanted the president to declare that team a disaster zone so federal funds could be used to buy out Mark Sanchez's contract.

- A few die-hard Bobcats supporters decided to petition the White House to force Michael Jordan out of retirement to play for his own team, because a 50 year old MJ is better than anything they can put on the court now.

- SEC football fans want the White House to declare the SEC Championship as the National Title Game, because we all know the SEC champ is so far better than any other team in the country.

- Houston Astros fans are pushing for the president to pass a bill that would force Jim Crane to spend more than the pennies he found between his couch cushions on the baseball team he just bought.

- On the flipside, Marlins fans have petitioned the White House to press charges against Jeffrey Loria for asset stripping because his crimes are more obvious than those of Gordon Gekko.

- Pittsburgh Penguins fans have filed a petition that would protect  Matt Cooke from forensic investigations headed by a certain Ukranian-Canadian businessman living in Barbados.

- US Soccer fans have filed petitions that would call for the president to ban "The best player in US Soccer history" from taking any more sabbaticals (note that the term is not specific to one player).

-  Cowboys fans have asked the White House to force out Jerry Jones from his GM role on the grounds that the president should be able to intervene since the Cowboys are of course "America's Team".

- Some hockey fans have petitioned for the removal of Pierre McGuire from NBC broadcasts since his head could clearly be used by enemy states to bounce satellite signals off of. Oh, and no one in the US cares about the Peterborough Petes either.

- Some Canadian ex-pats have asked the White House to block FOX Sports' hiring of Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole because Americans don't deserve quality and funny sports anchors, especially Canadian treasures like these two.

Well there you have some buried petitions I found. Their existence shocks me just as much as when I first found them.

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